Here's some good news at least:
The Metro is a free newspaper in England. It prints 826,921 copies a day, which makes it the 6th biggest UK newspaper and the biggest free 'paper in the world. It also gets read by easily more than that figure, since most people pick them up from train seats and suchlike (they're distributed at train and tube stations).
So, yeah, they review a few singles each week, and this week they reviewed five. The only one to get as high as 4 stars out of 5 was... you guessed it... The Features!

It's only a little review, but it might help them:
"If there's a lesson in this week's single, it's that nothing beats a chorus that goes 'woah-oah-woah'. And one of the Tennessee rockers (pictured) wears a sheepskin jacket and flat cap. Respect."
So... that's good, eh?
It still probably won't chart, but it's good at any rate.
...and this ain't one of them...