Hear ye here ye-

There is a new magazine starting up in the mid state, it is called The Crackwheat Digest. Our upcoming features include the crackwheat man of the year, a letter from crackwheat himself, a feature on the Walnut Falcons (including and interview with David Berman of the Silver Jews) and lots of short fiction, rants and raves, and whatever you submit.

Please send any submissions to crackwheat@rock.com, they will all be reviewed and responded to. Send anything, a story, a song, a poem, or just a great sentence, or whatever.

Ulrike Alves Roche
Personal assistant to Crackwheat

This submission will be reviewed and responded to as well, though not favorably.

You can publish that we don't take kindly to people who join our message board to plug their own crap. Talk about the Features and a warm welcome will be received. Mention the Features, and it helps. Otherwise, stay away. (This is a polite way of saying, "Take this post and shove it.")

Put it in the misc section or delete it altogether, please, BrianW.

Put The Features in your magazine......

I'm confused. Is the magazine about crack, or is it about wheat? Or perhaps both?

Didn't the Nazi's take the silver fillings from the Jews' teeth after they murdered them? Is your magazine Neo-Nazi propaganda?

I was just trying to start something that could showcase some of the talent in the midstate, whether that be music, like the Features, or Short stories, or whatever. The Features can submit things too, it was a call to arms, I really did not think that it would be a problem, sorry, I did not know your secret handshake.

Ulrike Alves Roche

P.S. when I told Crackwheat what you said he told me to tell you to "Fuck off, and that he was going to write his next column on what big dicks the features are", but as you can see from above, I am a little more business like

P.S.S. TO the idiot that did not realize that the Silver Jews are a band, and a pretty popular one at that, you sure are a dumb non music knowing idiot. (notice you are an idiot twice!!!!!!!!!!!!)

By the way I USED to be a features fan.

Ulrike

So 'Crackwheat' said that, huh? Does he actually talk like that? I really don't want to read this magazine now, it would be bordering on incoherent.

Oh, and isn't P.P.S. closer to be correct. I mean, what the hell does postscricptscript mean?

He is just the editor, and a genius at that. He is 75 and in his time was one of the best guerilla journalists of all time. He only talks like that when he faces idiocy. Like trying to give more people in the area an outlet to write about whats on their minds, my question is, how is a magazine any competition for a band? Duh? I mean your rude response is fine, just accept what you are, FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell does that mean? You're going to have to slow down, I'm an idiot.

uhh... we are not the features, dude. If you feel like anyone has been rude to you or your editor, that really shouldn't reflect how you feel about the features.

YDDD's post was meant to inform you that we'd rather you be accepted into our community first than plugging things and then never showing up again. It's like spam. Noone likes spam, noone likes junk mail and noone likes solicitations. I'm sure the board administrators don't want a whole lot of threads that don't concern the band cluttering up their board. In my opinion, plugging is fine, but you should try to be a member of the community as well. When you're a member of the homeowner's association, most of the time there is a rule about mowing your lawn...

Why does everyone think they have something interesting to say? Isn't it the same old crap that every twenty-something indie hipster says?
Obviously you didn't. Please allow me to explain it to you. Our "secret handshake" is called "common courtesy." If you drove by a house having an open house party, would you park your car, walk in the front door, and say, "Hey, none of you know me, but who wants to buy some great Amway products?" Of course you wouldn't; it's not polite.
I would've told you that. Not everyone thinks that music is the greatest thing in the world. I'm rather proud of the fact that I'm so ignorant of it.
I think we can all see how loyal a fan you've turned out to be. "I used to think the Features had great music. Then someone else who likes their music gave me a hard time for being rude. I no longer think the Features have good music."

Don't get me wrong...Any fan of The Features is a good one. But, people who come on the board, promote their own shit, then happen to talk about how they like(d) The Features after they are called out on it aren't all that loyal. And, they aren't particularly loyal when they let a few people that are hardcore (yes, hardcore) fans and have nothing but respect for the band get under their skin, causing them to dislike The Features. I would dare say that they didn't like them in the first place and just wanted to promote their website. Look at it objectively about any band and their messageboard community, and I am sure you will agree.

Oh, and when it comes to someone posting in their magazine that The Features are "dickheads", I am pretty sure that anyone who has ever talked to any member of The Features knows that they are 4 of the most lovable guys ever. And, since I am sure of that, I am also sure that the editor would be getting plenty of letters. I also know that I wouldn't want to read a magazine where the editor assumes that some musicians are dickheads without knowing anything about them, b/c some friend of his wanted to come on a board that he had never frequented before and promote a site then consequently had been called out.

P.S. You may find in the future that the nicer you are, the nicer people are to you.

P.P.S. Don't make any assumptions about The Features from our comments. If you were a fan, you would know that they are a spectacular band with great talent. You would also know (if you had ever read the board before) that most of us are not very confrontational poeple, including me for the most part. I just hate it when someone says that a few people telling them what's on their minds will cause them to quit being a fan. Being a fan means that you like the band, not the people that like the band.

first of all, you're silly. everyone knows that gorillas can't write.


second of all, is this a sentence?

No, it sure isn't. damon gets an A in grammar today, while crackwheat gets an F.

Duh and boo-yah...

obviously, mr. wheat, you did not visit the section of this site entitled "random thoughts from the band." there you will find a message that completely shatters your "big dicks" theory. trust me, there's exclamation points involved (and that equals sincerity).

also, i took the liberty of tidying up the portion of your post that i quoted (though it was beyond complete repair). i sure hope that you won't be writing for this publication.

When I told my mom what crackwheat said when you told him what I said, she said that this Mr. Crackwheat definitely doesn't sound like somebody who I should be friends with. She also said that his mom needs to wash his mouth out with soap.

You people missed the point entirely. My first e-mail did not attack anybody, at all. I just wanted to do something fun, which I am still doing no matter what you think of my grammar, first of all I am German so, I think my grammar is pretty good for a second language. Second of all, I am sorry I wasted my time on all of you little kids who obviously do not have anything real to say, 20 something indie kids, whatever..... Just because you are not creative, maybe give someone else a chance, maybe one of your GODS, the feature might even want to be creative. It was not spam mail, my mag is free, and I am not asking your is you want a bigger cock like Shaq's or if you want eliminate your debt, I am asking, sorry was asking for some input from some intelligent people from the mid-state, apparently I walked into the wrong door and ran into all this crap, which inturn gave me a great idea, I am printing all of your crap that you have said to show that there are indeed people like you in the world. I just got off the phone with Crackwheat and he told me not to be so upset, and that back when he was battleing the Vietnam war with his pen, and back when he go three schools de-segregated, that he had to deal with people that just did not understand, which obviously none of you do.

I will not be posting anymore, it truly is a waste of my time, but if one person that reads this has a half a brain and wants to do somehting creative the e-mail me at crackwheat@rock.com, the magazine is going to be something special.

Ulrike

Germans are relevant.

and you missed our point entirely. You will run into this at every message board you try to post at, whether it's a fansite, official site, personal site or otherwise. The point was to become a friend and then suggest.

Well, see I think you're wrong about that. In order to recieve nasty letters, people actually have to read your magazine first. AND, since the whole thing sounds like a load of boring crap, I can't see why anyone would pick up the thing to begin with.

Who is Crackwheat? Why can he only be reached on the phone? Why doesn't he post here? Does he exist? If Crackwheat is not Crackwheat, but actually Ulrike, why isn't his SN Ulrike? Does Ulrike exist? Is this another test by BrianEno2?

There are so many questions. He must return to answer them.

crackwheat must be some kind of warlord of journalism, hiding out in some underground bunker. I'm glad he gives good advice like, "Don't get so upset."

This isn't Eno.

You know what, man? I think your idea for a magazine sounds cool. I love things like that, especially when they're free. I love what you're trying to do. But I'll tell you what I've told the fifteen people before you who've solicited on this MB and gotten blasted for it: you'll catch more flies with honey than with a barrel of vinegar. Since you're German, let me explain that. You'll get more people to be interested in your magazine by being nice to them than by being mean to them. I know, I know - you were nice when you first posted. But you quickly turned mean when your project was questioned even the slightest bit. Just try to be nice!

Also, please don't ever again compare what you are doing to something as noble as fighting for Civil Rights or protesting the Vietnam War. Please try to remember that it's just a magazine. Surely Crackwheat knows this!

Finally, please don't mistake the reactions/comments/attitudes of the people on this MB for those of the Features themselves. We're all assholes here; the Features are good people.

I know you ain't hatin on those of German decent. Watch it, or I'll sic Lauren on you.

he IS a Kraftwerk fan, so we can't be so sure.

All I meant by that, Carl, was that since English is not his/her first language, he/she might not know what I meant by a phrase like, "You'll catch more flies with honey..." You know? I didn't mean it as an insult to those of German nationality.

Right on. That's what I thought.

Please check out this website and you may learn the talent of some of my contributors.

http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm


Best,
Ulrike

Hahaha. That was marvelous. Where do I sign up?


(Edited by Ceeze at 6:03 pm on May. 5, 2003)

Ah, now you understand! We are followers. Followers of Daigle, as prophesied by BrianEno2, and shepherded through this dark life by jamiecarroll until the day that the rest of the universe is converted to our religion of impeccable taste and constant in-fighting.

Oh, sure, like writing about Roy Orbison in cling wrap is creative.

The Features are already creative. Just hit play on the player and see for yourself!

Hey BrianW, I think the Features website needs links to gay erotica like Ulrike's.

If thats what you call talent... let me be the first to say i am proud to be most unoriginal, talentless person in the world. WOW is all i can say... I'm not too sure I haven't finished laughing yet...

One word: Wow.