anyway, i know this is kind of a cheesy topic, but i was wondering if anyone has some interesting and/ or funny stories to share about babydom and/ or childhood. ya know, embarrasing moments, silly mistakes children make like getting caught in mousetraps, etc.

this was inspired by the up in flames thread, btw. i started thinking about my teddy bear and childhood thingies.

. . .
it took me a while to come up with this, but i'll share this one with you:

how i learned about sex:

my sister and her friend and i were in the garage of my house and she told me to sing "yankee doodle" but with all Fs starting each word. so i began . . .

fankee foodle fent foo fown fiding fon fa fony fuck fa feather . . .

and they laughed and laughed at me.

i sang it again, and continued to say, "what? whats so funny? fuck? that's a silly word! fuck fuck fuck! what does it mean?".

she goes, "ask mom"

so later that night, during dinner, i said, "mom, what does 'fuck mean'?

she told me. and i think my sister was grounded for a long time.

once when i was in 5th grade me and my family went to the new orleans zoo. me and my sis were sitting on a wooden fence surronding a cheetah pit eating snocones. my sister unexpectedly jumped off which slightly shook the fence and caused me to lose my balance. i fell backwards into some really tall bushes and started screaming like a girl (something i have since outgrown) it literally scared me to death! i got more attention from the people watching than i did the cats. it's quite possible i was out of their reach, however, the sheer fact i was inside a cheetah "pit" scared the crap out of me. after it was all said and done my dad was laughing like crazy... and my family has gotten so much mileage out of it that i simply refuse to go to another zoo with them.

(Edited by joeywade at 12:06 am on Jun. 17, 2003)

too funny yall.

how i learned my first cuss word:
it was one of my first few days in kindergarten. a very crucial time to fit in and make friends. as me and some fellow classmates were gathered around table making fruit loop necklaces, the topic of "the A word" came up. they all started to sound it out in unison. "aaahh..". i "aah"-ed along with them even though i had no idea what the word was. they continued. "ahhh..saaa". well, thinking there was more to the word i said "aass.." which was followed by looks of horror and gasps. THEN those hoes actually called the teacher over to TELL ON ME for saying a cuss word. i was shocked. what little punks. im still very bitter about this by the way.

im sure there is a funnier story but its all i could think of right now.

So, I'm curious, how were you re-animated? For the undead, you look pretty healthy to me.

I don't actually remember this, but my mom likes to tell this story to people. When I was 3 or 4, my mom had the "Flashdance" soundtrack and listened to it often. I caught on to some of the words, even though I didn't know what the meant. So one day I was out playing in the yard and singing in my loud 3 or 4 year old voice, "Suduce me tonight! Yeah!!! Suduce me tonight!!"

well - the first 3 years of elementery school, i lived across the street from my school. so naturally i walked to and from. the other kids i walked with were older and i found them very funny. they would always have me laughing all the way home. well, one day after school, my tummy was feeling a little strange and i had been having the toots ever since lunch. the kids walking home started doing something that got me tickled and i could feel my stomach begin to tremble. the tremble turned into a quake, and the quake turned into pain. i begged them to stop, to just leave me alone and stop trying to make me laugh - but of course they then layed it on thick, heckling me like never before --------- then all of a sudden my bowels loosened beyond my control and a river of diaretic shit came pouring from my fanny. plus i was wearing shorts. i began to cry, and to run home. but since i was wearing shorts, it was running down my legs to my shoes, and i was kicking it all onto my back and back of my head. i never lived that down - i mean, how could i? i still am haunted by this memory, but it is worth the disclosure to give some people i like a chuckle

mental note... always keep uglyapeman facing towards me...

I almost peed my pants reading this... That is the funniest thing that I have read in a long long time. UAM, for the future cleanliness of your person and others, remind me not to make you laugh when you are feeling gassy!

Wow... I've got quite a few, but I'll limit myself to my two favorites:

First one from early childhood: When I was 3 years old, we had swinging doors that went into the kitchen on both sides, like saloon doors. Once I crawled into the kitchen, into the pantry and grabbed a can of crisco. I greased THE ENTIRE kitchen floor, rather methodically, then called my mom in and laughed as she stepped through one pair of swinging doors, slid across the entire kitchen, and flew through the other pair of swinging doors before falling to the ground. It was the only sadistic thing I've ever done, and having no memory of it, I don't know why I did it.

More recently, kind of: When I was in the forth grade, we were going to Disney World. We had an old Volvo station wagon, with a luggage rack, but we didn't have one of those rooftop carriers, so my dad put a tarp over the bags to keep them dry in case of rain. Well, the rain did start, as did the wind. We were on I24 between Murfreesboro and Chattanooga when the wind and our speed caused the wind resistance from the tarp to be too much. The ropes tying down the rooftop luggage snapped and most of our bags went flying. So my sister and I wouldn't have to sit together (suicide in those days), I was sitting in the "way back" seat of the car (if you remember those cars, they had a 3rd row that faced backwards if you sacrificed trunk space) so I had a front row seat of it all falling down. The bags that fell split open and the rain began to soak their contents, so my mom screamed at my dad to stop and get out, so he did stop, when it was possible, which on the interstate was like 1/4 mile down the road. So my sister and I are watching as my folks dart down the shoulder to where the bags are in the middle of the road, and they are about 8 feet from the bags when a semi comes and rolls over a few of them. Eventually my folks got all of the bags that had fallen and ran back to the car, threw me in the back with my sister and collapsed the way back seat to give more trunk room, and nothing was on the trunk. Incidentally, the two bags that never fell were my dad's and my clothes, and the two bags that were run over were my mom's and my sister's. My sis had a brand new Minnie Mouse Dress that had tire marks all over it. That night we stayed in a Best Western called the King of the Road that was so miserable that in my forth grade wit I nicknamed it the "Worst Southeastern Slave of the Road." Something like this happens everytime my family goes on vacation, so we have a fondness for the hard-hitting accuracy of the National Lampoon's Vacation movies.

Will

Hmm...there's one that I think is kind of funny, and basically defines me in general...

One day, I was pretty young, and I was riding in the passenger seat of my Mom's car. We were going to my house, and I saw something in the road. I freaked out and said, "Mom, watch out for that doggy (or kitty, don't remember which one it was)!!!"...then, the object came into focus and I discovered it was a little boy. I then calmed down and said, "Oh, nevermind. It's just a little boy". I didn't really care if she ran over the little boy.

the funny thing about that is, i would say the same thing today without even realizing it!.

these are hilarious, guys.

Yeah, I still would, too. I didn't even think any thing of it when I said it until my mom started laughing.

Mr. Ape, there's no way anyone could top your story!

-When I was a young child, I was obsessed with vacuum cleaners. Whenever I would go over to someone's house, I would ask, "Do you have a vacuum cleaner?" When they said yes, I said, "Can I see it?" Then they would bring it out, and I would study it. They would ask, "Do you want me to turn it on?" "No, no, don't turn it on!" I would say. I was frightened of vacuum cleaners, but obsessed with them.

-At age 11, my cousin and I performed a wedding ceremony on our bicycles. It was complete with a wedding party, vows, and rings. It was all cool until a week later when my bike got caught cheating and the bikes got divorced.

My first day of kindergarten was horrible. My teacher was mean, I didn't know anyone, and, well, it was the first day of kindergarten EVER. So, being the typical 5 year old, I tried to make friends and have fun. At lunch, I overheard some kids talking about "flipping a birdie." One kid said that his daddy flipped a birdie at his mom, which I didn't quite understand, but I imagined a parakeet being flipped across the room. The kids oohed and aahed at the boy's story, so I assumed that flipping a birdie was something cool. When the time was right, I chimed in quite loudly, "I flipped a birdie!" So, the table went silent, everyone was staring at me until one kid told the teacher, "Alan flipped a birdie" (keep in mind that most of these kids, including me, had no idea what flipping the birdie was, and none of us had ever done it). So, after the teacher heard what I had done, I sat in the corner the rest of the day, and she told my mom. I changed schools after kindergarten.

One of the most embarassing moments I had as a child happened when I was in the 4th grade at the bus stop right down the street from my house. Our family had a dog named "Sebastian" a chow. Anyway he would always breaking loose and running around.. this particular morning he didn't just break loose from the chain... he had dragged the entire dog HOUSE with him.. just dragging it behind him. I was threre at the bus stop when everybody starts laughing as sebastian comes run up behind me with the house scrapping the road with his tongue hanging out of his mouth barking. I was so embarassed I had to go back an get my dad to put him up I ended up missing the bus because of it too.

(Edited by Genius Girl at 11:11 pm on Jun. 17, 2003)

Wow. We both had insanley similar kindergarten stories.

And JC, the vaccum obsession is the funniest thing ever. Did you not own a vaccum yourself? Did you just want to see how it worked?..

GenuisGirl.. thats too funny. I wish I could've seen that happen.

i am obsessed with vaccums, but for a different reason, but that is another kind of embarrassing story

yeah, i think you are done with this thread. lord knows what stories you dont want to tell.

no really it wasn't I turned soo red! An not to mention it's extremely hard to control a dog that's dragging a dog house! Halt apeman and go no further lol

(Edited by Genius Girl at 11:54 pm on Jun. 17, 2003)

There was this kid on our block that had a fascination with vacuums as well JC... He was a weird little dude. His obsession was the model numbers and stuff. While we were arguing over the specs of the latest super-car he'd be getting all hot and bothered about the new Electrolux Mrs. Johnson just got down the street.

just kidding about the vaccum thing! geez. a little low-brow humor and everyone is going ape
uh - the first post is unfortunately the truth though. but i was only 5 years old

I was a very odd/lame/sickly child. In kindergarden, a hole somehow appeared in the seat of my shorts, so I had to spend the whole day with a hole in my pants. I couldn't sit on Giant Tire (one of the more spectacular pieces of playground equipment at Wessington Elementary) because it burned my bum. My teacher didn't care.

In 1st grade, I had just seen an episode of "Family Matters" where Laura has the 'n' word graffitied on her locker. I had no idea what it meant, so the next day during a rousing game of dodge ball, I encouraged my teammates by saying "Come on you bunch of 'n-words'"...except I didn't censor it or use the currently popular "-az" ending. I got in trouble.

In 2nd grade I had an emotional breakdown during the Christmas party because I didn't like my present. I'm still ashamed of that one.

In 3rd grade I used to sell my X-Men trading cards while the teacher was with the other reading group. I had a sign, specials, and was even competing with the kid who sat next to me who was also selling X-Men cards. Eventually, this was all stopped by the teacher.

In 4th grade I got into a scuffle with a kid who had ADD at the Halloween party during musical chairs. When the teacher called me a "bad egg" and said I was "just faking my nice attitude," my Mom got buck on her. I was in a new class the next day.

I also used to get really sad on Feild Day due to my lack of athletic prowess. This would cause me to hide on the playground and pout. I also frequently screwed up song lyrics, the most popular being Rusted Root's "Send Me On My Way" which I morphed into "Semi & The Whale." I thought it was a song about a boy and his love of his whale...

I have a lot more...like I said, I was lame.

(Edited by DigsySlattery at 10:12 pm on Jun. 18, 2003)

might i add that my friend liz had the same misunderstanding. she thought the song was about a forgotten biblical character named Simeon, who, in addition to that other guy, got swallowed by the whale.

i wasn't a very funny child. got no mo' stories today.

share on, my children...

same thing here... I'd just opened like 5 tmnt toys from my grandmother, which completely spoiled me for the rest of the year, not to mention christmas day. Then I opened a present from my aunt and uncle which turned out to be a shirt and toboggan and my initial reaction was to say "i don't want clothes!" i didn't really think much of it at the time, but now I feel like a complete ass about it. especially since they've done so much for me...

I remember when I was in the second grade I used to be all bad assed and I could do flips and stuff on the monkey bars... and I decided to try to lay on my belly in the swing and flip *bad Idea* there was also no more swings left except one that had a bit of a mud puddle *another Bad idea* So I go to perform this stunt that I have all confidence that I can do. i fell flat on my back in the puddle mud.. everywhere even in my hair...my mama had to bring me new clothes an everything. why dod u think u can do anything when your little

(Edited by Genius Girl at 11:32 pm on Jun. 19, 2003)

monkey bars are dangerous. ive had a few bad accidents with monkeybars.

this next story goes with some of my opryland comments. why i will never ride a roller coaster:
so im like six or so and im in california with my family at the paramount themepark. we were having a fun time but were getting quite hot so we decided to ride a wateride to cool us off. we stuble upon a ride called "the tidal wave". obviously a water ride, right? wrong. even when i thought it was a water ride i was skeptical. my parents insured me it was a boat that rocked back and forth into water and wasnt scary at all. so i agreed. im still a little nervous as we settle into our seats. they pulled those huge bar things over our bodies and told us to make sure we didnt move our necks. i thought they were taking a little too much precaution for a water ride and right as i started to freak out we took off. it turned out to be this huge ass roller coaster that not only went once.. but it went backwards once that was over. loop after loop. needless to say i cried the whole time and havent been on one since.

closest ive come was the sky coaster free fall thing in chicago. damn that thing was awesome. one of the coolest things ive ever done. it just gives you this natural high afterwards and you feel invincible. has anyone ever done that?

Oui. Along with bungee jumping, and the bungee chair, and anything else I can get my hands on. I'm doing Skydiving sometime in the next couple of years.

But my point is this: if you can enjoy that skycoaster thing, and get that natural high (I know it well) then you really need to try a rollercoaster again. I had a traumatic experience on one when I was five or six as well, so I know where you are... but trust me, your mind is making it much worse than it really is. You're allowing this temporal distance to exaggerate things in the same way that a child exaggerates a bad experience getting innoculated for elementary school and doesn't go to boy scout camp because he'd have to get an extra shot and is to afraid to do it. Start small and work your way up, or do as I did and just ride the scariest thing you can find. Face your fear and find a new pasttime. You're selling yourself short and missing out on one of the most fun things to do as a teen in the summer.

Will

I am afraid of heights! But I'm not afraid to fly on an airplane. It just feels like your riding in a car just in the sky so I'm calm until u get ready to land. But Carnival rides make my stomach uneasy when I'm on a high one.. It just feels wrong being that high on basically metal bars or something.. plus the shady people who run the rides don't help at all.

i very very rarely ever take both of my girls with me when i go shopping... my oldest daughter went thru a phase of very high drama when i was pregnant with her little sister and a while after she was born. i'm pretty sure this was caused by various anime cartoons, mainly tenchi muyo and maybe cowboy bebop.
anyway, we'd be at a store and she'd act like she was about to faint. she has really long hair and she'd start swaying it around and everything and then she'd fall, completely limp, onto the floor. people around would absolutely panic and come running over to us. she would do this in every store we would go into. after many of those incidents she'd "pass out," someone would come over, i'd tell them she was faking and then turn to chloe and tell her she was a freak and would let her lay on the floor until i was finished with whatever i was looking at. she'd eventually get up laughing.

yeah sometimes i do that.

wow, that's hilarious. that made me remember that i often used to fake a limp when i was little. like in first grade or so. and not like a subtle limp. like a big, dramatic, full-on dragging-one-leg-behind-you-with-every-step limp. i don't kow why i did that.

in 2nd or 3rd grade, the kid i had a crush on dislocated his shoulder during recess, so i scraped my knee on purpose so that i could go to the nurse's office too.

i went through a cursing stage in 4th grade. that same year, my friend julie & i pretended we were married to members of depeche mode.

Some girl I liked in high school was running a blood drive, so of course I pulled up my sleeve and let them have at me just for her. Of course my efforts were fruitless.

ooh i just thought of this one.

so my family is a fan of the spicyness. my childhood revolved around hot sauce. when i was in first grade or so we had a drug talk with the guidance counsler. we were naming ways to use tobacco. after several were named i raised my hand and said "you can eat it on crackers!". the guidance counsler seemed skeptical so i replyed "no really! my mom and dad eat tobacco on crackers like.. everyday!". it was a few days later i realized i had been thinking of tabasco not tobacco. it was a few years later i realized how psycho my family seemed to that guidance counsler.

that is pretty funny.

once i thouhgt i would put tobasco in my dad's jelly toast for april fool's day as a 6 yr old.
i felt too giulty and backed out.

the food talk reminds me of last year when chloe would make "harry potter drinks." she'd put anything in the refridgerator that she could reach (mustard, hot sauce, chocolate syrup, etc.) in a glass and stir it, then drink it and she'd convince anyone around to drink it, too.
one day, we were at my parents (for some retarded reason) and she made one of her "harry potter drinks" only she used shampoo, hand soap, lotion, and baby oil. she went up to my step dad and gave him the drink, telling him it was a "harry potter drink." he turned it up, realized what it was and ran to the bathroom and puked.

well its not really a funny childhood story but it has to do with my youth so ill post it here.

i realized recently that one of our cheers at my jr high was to a kinks song. i always thought the cheer sounded familar.

to the tune of all day and all of the night:
m
m-a
m-a-t-a-d
o-r-s
oh yes
cause we are the best

yep.

this is funny. and it reminds me of a [surprisingly similar] instance when i was at my grandparents house and my grandma had those small shell-shaped colorful decorative soaps in a pretty dish in the bathroom. yeah, i thought it was candy. i emerged from the bathroom in tears with drool all over my face and clothes.

I remember when I was little we would go over to my grandma's house it was always boring which meant we would always get into trouble. It would be me, my older sister, and my two cousins and we would play in the front yard.. My grandaddy always told us to stay out of the back yard after he had been hunting... anyway we would go back there and play.. He would have dead.. skinned rabbits hanging up in the backyard.. so it was my cousin erics bright idea to pick up sticks and hit them... uhh kind of like a pinata. I now realize how un-fun that really was man that was cruel and nasty. now that I think about it it looked like a seen from that movie.. uhh crap I can't remember that movie with who was it? I think sean penn running with those rabbits on his face lol

We also used to call 911 and hang up.. we got our asses whooped for that one lol.. The police would come and scare my grammie to death.

One time we also moved almost all of the furniture from her guest room into my Blind uncle's room (no kidding) that was mean too..

(Edited by Genius Girl at 4:55 pm on Jun. 25, 2003)

Wow! That's more than mean.



(Edited by Token at 11:52 pm on Jun. 25, 2003)

dude that is fucked up. my friend aryn told me that when she was in high school, she and her friend jessica deliberately tied her grandmother's oxygen tube in a knot and tried to kill her! they let it go at the last minute though. how fucked up is that?!

that's just bad... at least we got our asses whooped for moving the furniture.. an we didn't try to kil anyone