Ok, I saw this on the Self message board and thought it was fairly funny and that a few of you may enjoy:

. Phase one.
-Discard all Pacific Sunwear clothing.
-Discard all albums from the labels Epitaph, Nitro, and Lookout.
-Discard your Sublime collection.
-Purchase albums by these bands:
The Get Up Kids
The Promise Ring
Pedro the Lion
Texas is the Reason
Sunny Day Real Estate
Juliana Theory
Saves the Day
Weezer
-Purchase several sweaters.
-Buy horn-rimmed glasses with colored lenses ; pop lenses out and wear as
'normal' glasses.
-Start going to 'shows'. Go to any show, regardless of who is playing.
-Begin slicking your hair back.
-Join The Get Up Kids' 'Fun Club'; wear the T-shirt you receive frequently.
-Start a band; play Blink 182's 'Dammit' only.
-Change your AOL screen name to 'NFGEmoDood182'.

II. Phase two.
-Realize that liking all the bands whose CDs you have just bought is not 'cool',
because they are 'sellouts'.
-Discard all recently purchased CDs.
-Purchase CDs by the following 'underground' bands:
Death Cab for Cutie
Drive Like Jehu
Jets to Brazil
Built to Spill
Alkaline Trio
-Begin shopping for clothes at the thrift store.
-Start a new band; the name should be at least three words. Play music that
'can't be classified', meaning that everyone you know calls it indie rock.
-Deny that you ever listened to any of the bands from Phase One.

III. Phase three.
-Realize that the bands from Phase Two are not underground.
-Hit the 'Net in a panicked attempt to find 'underground' bands.
-Purchase albums (preferably 7") by these bands:
Mineral
Orchid
Indian Summer
Antioch Arrow
Moss Icon
The Locust
-Start your own 'zine'.
-Get an online diary. Extra points for your own domain, with a name like
'codiene.net'.
-Change your AOL screen name to 'as close to cold'.
-Begin typing in all lowercase letters, and ...like.this...
-Quit your band. Bands are lame.
-Berate Phase One people for A) liking 'sellout' music and B) not knowing who
the bands are that you list in your AOL profile.

IV. Phase four:
-Become 'intellectual'.
-Carry obscure and/or philosophical texts in your used army bag. IE Siddhartha.
-Become a 'photographer'. Always carry your camera, because you find things
that most people overlook to be 'interesting'.
-Make 'collages'.
-Talk about going to 'art school' and taking 'road trips'.
-Buy music by these bands:
q and not u
Cap'n Jazz
Don Caballero
Mogwai
Neutral Milk Hotel
-Determine that rock music is 'dead'.
-Change your AOL screen name to ' delete radio '
-Inform everyone of how long you have known about your recent musical
selections, which is of course long before they did, and scoff at them for being
'poseurs'.
-Declare that the 'scene is dead', but even if it wasn't, scenes are lame.
-Start a new 'musical project'; classify it as one or more of the following genres (if you absolutely must resort to something so lame as classification):
Post-punk
Noise
Grindcore
No wave
Space rock
Drone
Shoegaze
-Sound like Trans Am.
-Smoke cigarettes; write songs about smoking cigarettes and other such
'nonsensical' topics. Love songs are lame.
-Dislike 'other people' on the basis of their inherent intellectual inferiority. Laugh
derisively when they mention their band / their favorite band.

V. Phase five:
-Scoff at the term 'emo'.
-Become one of the following:
a. Indie -
-Get many tattoos, all bad.
-Wear plugs in your ears.
-Grow sideburns; always be somewhat unshaven.
-Have a few piercings, but not enough to make you look like you are
pierced to be 'cool'.
-Be in a band. Dislike the band that you are in.
b. Mod-
-Wear a denim jacket, small, regardless of the weather.
-Grow your hair out, just long enough that it hangs down over your
forehead.
-Ride a Vespa.
-Wear a scarf.
-Be in a 'minimal' band with only keyboard and vocals. Dream of being
able to present your music to Sigur Ros and Yo La Tengo at once.
-Give your band a somewhat French name, preferably starting with 'le'.
c. Hardcore-
-Have 'opinions' on 'important issues'.
-Inform anyone and everyone that you would die at any time for your
beliefs, because you are 'intense' and 'for real'.
-Write lyrics or poems that are emotionally driven, but not wimpy. Talk
about all the struggles you have gone through for your beliefs, and all
your friends who have sold you out. Make frequent references to your
blood flowing.
-Have a band with A) a name that is a single, but powerful word, like
'Indecision' or B) a name that is multiple words, and vague yet ominous.
IE 'The Enemy of my Enemy is My Friend'.
-Talk constantly about how much you hate emo kids. Frequently use the
phrase 'Quit crying, emo kid', as well as clever variations like, 'Hey emo
kid, need a Kleenex?'.
-Wear a hoodie. Always.
d. A washed up loser with no life skills and no social value-

(Edited by Ceeze at 1:17 pm on Jul. 22, 2002)

this is really funny.

Phase VI

You realize that you are in your late 20s and your life up to this point has only amounted to a smoking habit and 5 phases worth of CDs, none of which you like anymore. You've been washed up by all the fads and they're all equally meaningless.

Then you have to get a real job and that reality makes you wish you could go back to any of the previous phases.

I appear to be in phase 5. Strange.

i don't think i fit a phase.

I fit some things (scoffing at emo, denim jacket, sideburns, musical snobbery) but I think my phases go through:

5th Grade Pop-Dance-Hootie kid
6-8 Grade Oasis fan...Matchbox 20 fan
9-10 Grade. Let's just say I owned two Smash Mouth cds
11-Current. Musical fascist....

The age range on this board amazes me. I often forget about it, but I definitely think about it as a good thing.

I could be your English teacher.

If you're a jittery woman who wears one earring, laughs in loud air bursts, and is known to sometimes wear outfits inspired by neopolitan ice-cream, then I would have to say that you were my english teacher and you screwed up my GPA.

But you were still cool.

you forgot the puke-green blazer an the dropping on your knees, raising your hands to the sky and screaming "comma? comma? did he say comma?" in a frazzled voice.

and as for phases, i guess i'm pretty screwed up since i can identify with certain aspects of all phases...or maybe i'm just unique....yeah, that's it...unique.

high school for me was one big classic rock phase. lots of lynyrd skynyrd, led zeppelin, queen, boston, and that sort of thing. the beatles are a given. i was also into muddy waters, bb king, buddy guy, and to an extent robert johnson, although i never got too deep into delta blues. by any account, there was no emo involved. i am thankful for that.

(Edited by damon at 9:57 pm on Jul. 24, 2002)

Emo sucks. It sucks because it isn't definable. I mean, I have glasses, love weezer, and am "emotional" but I would rather have rabid mongooses (or is it mongeese?) eat my extremities than someone call me emo.

Matter o fact, HaveSomeSoma, my friend and myself were called emo just the other night by one of our friends girlfriend-things. It angered us. I'm still angry about it. The kids who say they're emo are the annoying ones.

And I can't wait for the concert so I can point and laugh at all the 15 year old girls singing along to dashboard while crying.

And this probably should have started a new topic, but then again, the whole "emo" thing is part of a "phase" that one could go through (if they were a wanker).

let it be known that all emo kids are wankers, but not all wankers are emo kids. lest we punish the non-emo wankers by clumping them together into one big group.

(Edited by damon at 10:59 pm on Jul. 24, 2002)

And that group can be seen weekly on American Idol.

i hope that american idol (pop idol as it's known across the pond) doesn't become as significant here as it is in england, where the top two contestants, gareth gates and will young, dominated the charts for a good part of last year. they are the true wankers.

Oh I highly doubt it. The success of TV made bands usually...well it usually doesn't exist outside of O-Town (I know random facts...). Eden's Crush, even Flickerstick have fizzled.

Come on, Bands on the Run ruled, guilty pleasure or no.

I must agree, Bands on the Run did "rule me"(@ stephanieW). I even considered going to see Flickerstick when they came to 328 last year.

I once went through a phase where all I wanted to be was Johnny Rotten. I was 12 at the time. I was a strange kid.

i never really got into bands on the run. none of them ever really appealed to me... especially the band with the scary chicks in it. they sucked so much ass. well, i guess none of them were any good.

(Edited by damon at 11:53 am on Jul. 25, 2002)

Oh, my friend and I saw them at Dancin' In The District just before the show ended. We made signs (Mine said "Soulcracker Sucks!" and her's said "I *heart* Cory!"....both of them were jokes) and Flickerstick signed them and the cd that we both chipped in for to buy (for jokes). THey gave us thumbs up during the concert too. Overall it was hilarious.

I also did not like any of the four bands music, but the attitudes and the hilarity that they created was enough to keep me entertained.

...as did they for me. i will always hold a special place in my heart for flickerstick and their drunken antics.

Corey peeing in a corner, them letting the air out of Soulcracker's tires, the infamous "Shud up! Jus shud up!" quote by Brandin, Rex's drunken antics at the city wrap up meetings, El Dangeroso, Fletcher's one night stand, Rex & Rayshelle, Dominic vomiting and immediately kissing a woman, Corey's profound "Soulcracker sucks because they suck" comment....all classic moments and it is pathetic that I can name all of them.

yes it is. but i guess that makes me pathetic too. oh well.

you know, the features could've opened up for them at the show, but decided against it.

Hi.....ummm.... I am one of the crazy sign people and my sign said "I will devour you like a steak". I never got the chance to do just that. Oh well... I probably would have died of some rare disease that is only communicable through really shitty wanna be rock stars.